How To Get More Comfortable Talking To Strange Girls
In other places on this site I mention that trying to get girls by approaching strangers isn’t always the most efficient way to go. But I do think it’s a valuable skill overall, and lots of guys want to know how to do it, so here’s my take:
Talking to strange women is so hard because it’s totally scary and uncomfortable, but also completely optional and avoidable. That makes it very easy to wimp out at the last moment as you get closer and closer to making the approach and your anxiety raises to intolerable levels. There’s a definite ‘barrier’ that you have to push through to finally make the move.
Let me say that I don’t believe you can ever cure your fear of women once and for all. I think the best you can do is get comfortable with it to the point where the fear is greatly muted, or reduced enough to easily push through. Guys who aren’t nervous around women tend to naturally be like that or they’ve macked on chicks so much the jitters have been pushed far into the background. It’s like exercise though. If you slack off the nerves will come back and you have to get used to them again, though more easily than before.
I also don’t believe you can eliminate the nerves that come with talking to women by just adjusting your attitude or looking at the situation in a different way. There’s no magic realization out there that will make you confident overnight. If there was you’d have known it by the time you were fourteen and this article wouldn’t exist. Anxiety isn’t rational and can’t be thought away. You have to actually force yourself to approach women enough times that you get used to it. You may ‘know’ that rejection is harmless, but you can’t just read that not to be afraid. You have to experience it yourself and feel that it doesn’t hurt you. The advice below comes from this perspective.
There’s a ton of other advice out there on how to get used to approaching women. Here’s the plan I came up with back in the day and which worked for me:
Plan
For the next month or so try to talk to a few girls every day.
That’s pretty vague and unhelpful so we’ll make it a bit more systematic:
The first thing we’ll do is add in a reward/motivational system of sorts to push you out the door. What you have to do is pick some sort of activity that you like doing every day. If you don’t talk to any girls that day you don’t get to do the activity. Some examples would be:
Using the computer
Playing on the Internet
Playing a specific game
Playing with yourself
Watching T.V.
If you pick the right thing, it will exert a surprising amount of control. You’ll be glad to get the talking with girls thing over with so you can get your ‘reward’. This is a key to my advice. The ‘reward’ helps force you to get out there when you otherwise wouldn’t.
The second thing to do is start with the easiest stuff and work your way up. For many guys straight-up approaching a strange girl is too difficult to do right off the bat, but if they build up to it over a week or two it’s possible. Set yourself some realistic goals each day, then gradually increase their difficulty as you get more comfortable.
The last thing you have going for you is momentum. By talking to girls every day you get more used to it and can build on your gains. If you only tried to chat up girls one day of the week you’d get ‘out of shape’ and start from scratch the next week.
Will doing this ‘cure’ you? Nah, but if you’ve never been able to get up the nerve to approach a cute chick you’d like to talk to this is a good framework from which to do it. Worked for me.
Work out the personalized details of the ‘plan’ yourself and do it for about a month or so and you’ll be in good shape. No reason to keep going after that. Life should be a bit different afterwards.
Example Progression
Here’s a possible list of Least Scary to Most Scary scenarios. You should figure one out that works for you. The earlier items on this list don’t even involve women you’re interested in. Often the problem isn’t just that you’re uncomfortable with approaching strange women, but strangers in general.
Ask a nice old lady for the time or a quick innocuous question (i.e., for directions)
Ask a middle aged women for the time or a question
Try to have a quick chat with a much older woman
Ask a woman who’s a bit older than you for the time or a question
Ask a non-intimidating woman your age for the time or a question
Ask a half-decent looking woman for the time or or a question
Ask an attractive woman for the time or a question
Go into a store and chat to a non-intimidating clerk
Go into a store and chat to a good-looking clerk
Ask a guy a quick question in a bar (try talking to guys in bars before talking to women)
Try to have a conversation with a guy in a bar
Go up to a non-intimidating girl in a bar and ask a quick question
that could lead to a conversation but just as easily would allow you to leave after getting an answer ("What’s that you’re drinking?")
Go up to a decent looking girl in a bar and ask a quick question
Go up to a hot chick in a bar and ask a quick question
Make a quick friendly/witty comment to a non-intimidating girl then leave after if you want
Make a quick friendly/witty comment to a decent looking girl then leave after if you want
Make a quick friendly/witty comment to an attractive girl then leave after if you want
Try to have a quick conversation with non-intimidating girl
Try to have a quick chat to a decent looking girl
Try to have a quick chat with a good looking girl
You’ll notice that the earlier scenarios involve having a pretext or talking to people who have to talk with you. You may be able to do these these fairly easily. Things get noticeably harder when you have to straight-up go up a strange girl and try to talk to her. Even with the factors in place to make this easier, it will take some willpower.
Some more points about the plan, or sometimes just approaching chicks in general
This is not about picking up chicks
All I’m outlining is a systematic way to get over your discomfort and nerves when talking to girls.
Don’t worry about the rest of your ‘game’ for now.
Don’t worry about getting rejected. As long as you pushed through the ‘barrier’ and managed to talk to the girl it doesn’t matter how she reacts.
However, towards the end of the month, you could very well end up chatting to a chick that you hit it off with. This is particularly likely if you’re already pretty attractive to girls and just had a problem with approaching them.
Expect to puss out at times
Don’t beat yourself up if you puss out, expect it and plan ahead to account for it.
One thing is to give yourself lots of time to get over your nerves. For example if you go out to a bar with the intention of chatting to a few girls that night, you may feel nervous at first. But if you give yourself half an hour to calm down, you may finally be able to work up the nerve to approach someone.
If you do puss out, don’t get down on yourself or rationalize it away ("Oh, those chicks weren’t hot enough to talk to…yeah…that’s it"). Just acknowledge it and do better next time.
Structure the situation so it forces your hand. The whole daily reward structure helps here. You can also do other things. You could tell yourself that you only have fifteen minutes to talk to a girl that day or you automatically fail and miss out on your reward. Or talk so much shit to your buddies about how you’re going to mack on girls that night that you have to go through with it.
If you feel stuck at a certain point in the progression (e.g., it’s easy enough to chat to a store employee, but you can’t bring yourself to go up a girl in a bar) see if you can’t break it down into further sub-scenarios and then work through those.
Do whatever you can to make things easier for yourself
Although this will be difficult at times, the idea is not to be masochistic. If there are any short cuts you can take that will make it easier for you to approach women and fulfill your daily goals, you should take them.
If you go out to a bar, go with a friend if you can. It’s easier than going out alone.
If a few drinks will give you some courage then have them. Plenty of guys who get laid owe some part of their success to getting loaded first. This isn’t guaranteed to give you balls though. Go to any bar and you’ll see scores of guys standing around having ‘one more drink’ in the hopes that they’ll finally get buzzed enough to be able to talk to girls. What often happens is they just end up drinking themselves into a sloppy oblivion.
Feel free to loosen your criteria for what certain things mean. Define things like ‘chat to a decent looking girl’ in such a way that you can do it.
Talking to other people in the day will get you in a more sociable frame of mind and make it easier for you to eventually talk to chicks.
If you have a much easier time talking to girls in some situations (e.g., parties) rather than others (e.g., grocery store), then talk to all of them in the easier situation. However, you may want to try making a few approaches in the scarier situation if learning to do so is important for you.
Talking to strange women isn’t as inappropriate as it can feel at first
If you’ve never interacted with someone in a certain way before, you may have a strong feeling that to do so would be completely inappropriate and offensive.
Ignore these thoughts. People approach women in bars all the time. People strike up conversations with people they don’t know all the time as well. Some things are more rare than others (trying to meet women at a bookstore is less common than doing so at a bar), but they’re still within the realm of possibility.
Be as physically and socially presentable as you can
If you currently have poor grooming, or come off as really socially awkward or creepy you should put off this exercise until you get those things handled.
You shouldn’t be thinking too much about meeting women if you don’t have the barebones social basics handled. Meeting a woman is really just socially interacting with another person up to a certain standard. If you can’t meet that standard you should poke around the rest of this site first.
C'est La Vie 